Thursday, September 3, 2015

When Life Gets Tough, the Tough Get … To Leave?

Well, it turns out that the love at first sight from a few months ago was just that: Love at first sight. When things got tough, the tough got going … away from me. Things were great for a while. However, I was eventually forced into the realization that all we had were surface level feelings for each other, and that was not enough to keep us together when life got in the way. I don't want to say anything bad about him, because we had a good, fun run together–and I did love him. But I do wish that I had been able to count on him when my life got tough and that he had been able/willing to dig a little bit, try to be understanding and connect on a more emotional level with me. Though I admit I did not make it easy on him to do this, I felt like the problems we had were easy enough to work through–everyone hits rough patches, everyone gets stressed out–but what do I know?

Back at work after the weekend I met and spent with Matt, I told everyone I had met my husband. And he was just as comfortable with that as I was, so we spent about three months planning a life for ourselves. We were even planning on moving in together in March when my lease was up (not without a ring, of course–to all of my Catholic family). I was done searching. Game over. Sure, I was skeptical, but after four months of hearing someone say they are going to marry you, you start to think they mean it. That they are actually all in.

While losing all of this and accepting it was disappointing, disheartening and discouraging, that is all it was. I didn't want to spend my life with someone who doesn't know how (or want) to work through a stressful or difficult situation.

No, I think the most disappointing thing about the breakup was the fact that I was going to have to start dating again. Ugh. It's exhausting.

But about three weeks after the breakup, I flipped the switch. I was tired of being sad, so I decided not to be anymore. 

So, I let him go.

And got back on Tinder.

And now I remember how fun dating can be.

: )


Thursday, April 30, 2015

First Date [Almost] Problems

A couple of weeks ago marked a year for me in Charlotte, and I thought that warranted a life update. So here goes:

(I'd like to apologize in advance for the sappy stuff.)

This past year was probably one of my top five most eventful. I changed jobs for the first time in the real world, moved even farther from home, wrecked a car, left a toxic relationship, joined my sorority alumnae chapter and got a raise. But perhaps, the most important event so far has been meeting Matt.

I'm going to go ahead and get this out of the way now: We met on Tinder (Matt just tells people, "We swiped right.") It's a thing now. Everyone does it. Get over it.

We've only been together a short time, but he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and it almost didn't happen.

Our first time meeting was at Icehouse at lunchtime. He will tell anyone who will listen that I was late, but the truth is he was early. I walked in at 1:32, and he wouldn't have even noticed that if he hadn't been so early. But I digress.

We sat outside, and he kept his sunglasses on until about halfway through the date. I couldn't see his face properly, but I could tell he was handsome.

He seemed pretty normal at first, but I immediately started to think he was a tool. The first tool flag went up when he said, "Shake and bake," to the waitress after she took our orders. I'm pretty sure he even threw in a "totes mcgotes" around the same time. Ugh. But he made me laugh and kept up with my sarcasm quite nicely. I really liked our back and forth. I felt like I could speak freely without hurting his feelings, so I overlooked it.

The second tool flag came with the food. About the time the waitress was delivering our orders, we were on the subject of what we do for work. He bragged about doing sales and being off by 3pm every day. He then had the nerve to laugh at me for having a 9-5. What the hell? A 9-5? Oh, you mean like every other normal person in the world? And I had worked hard to get that job, which was also super stressful at times. Who did he think he was? Screw this condescending asshole. What a tool. How rude is it to end a date right after you've ordered food? I was never going to speak to him again after this was over. But he'd pissed me off to the point where I couldn't hide it enough to be polite anymore. I told him what was up, and, after verifying that I was serious, he toned it down considerably after that. Yeah, I'm sarcastic, but I'm still a girl. I still get my feelings hurt every now and then.

He eventually started to win me back over. I was still on the fence until he took off his sunglasses. If I'd been standing up, I would've had to sit down. Pictures didn't do his eyes justice. He looked at me with those blue eyes and I was done. Game over. What 9-5?
(I realize how corny this sounds, trust me. I hate myself for writing it, but it's 100% true.)

When we'd sat there for about two hours, he invited me back to his place to hang out and meet his roommate and his girlfriend. I'm so glad I went because this gave us some time to get the hang of each other's personalities. I'd never met someone so similar to me, so it took some getting used to. I expected him to get his feelings hurt every time I called him out on something, and vice versa. But it didn't happen. We always seemed to be on the same page with everything. We were finishing each other's sentences 4 hours in to our first date.

The rest is history. Every time I see him feels like the first time. But it also feels like we've been together for years. It's impossible to explain, but when people see us together they can't help but notice how perfect we are, so I know I'm not crazy.

Say what you will about putting the cart before the horse, roll your eyes (pre-Matt Emily would do it too). Say what ever you need to say, but I've waited 27 years to feel like this about someone, and I love every minute of it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Minimum Effort FTW

When I start talking to a new guy, I'll be honest: I put in minimum amounts of effort. Call me a pessimist, but I can usually figure out how the story ends before it begins. I haven't actively pursued a guy since I was, maybe, 22. I'm not sure I even remember how. I'm a firm believer that if a guy wants to talk to me, he will. And I've been proven right every single time I've stepped out of this comfort zone, so I stick to my tried and true method of minimal effort and it works. 

However, that doesn't mean that no one gets through. And it doesn't stop me from developing feelings for the ones who do. Talk is cheap, but if he acts like he's going to stick around for more than a couple of dates, (and if I'm interested enough) I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. 
But fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... You know the drill. 

More often than not, guys treat girls like complete shit. And, unless you're assertive about it, there's really nothing we can do about it. (Unless you don't mind being handed the title of "crazy" by said guy.) So, when that rare time comes around that you get to witness karma first-hand, it's especially gratifying. These times are sacred and must be cherished. And I got one of these rare, sacred moments on Saturday.

About two months after I broke up with C, I started dating someone who seemed into me, and the feeling was mutual. We'll call him M. He took me out, texted when he was supposed to and showed genuine interest. Until one weekend when I happened to be out of town when he asked me out and I never heard from him again. Whoops. 

Until Saturday. 

We happened to walk right past each other at the St. Patrick's day bar crawl. I awkwardly stared him down thinking he looked familiar (we dated through No Shave November). He noticed me and said hello. We kept walking. I never even looked back. For me, that was the end of it. 

Until he texted an hour later. 

"Did I see you out earlier? I think I touched your elbow."
Yes, asshole. You said hello to me. You reached out, touched my arm and said hello. What a stupid question. 

"Yep."

"What you doin tonight? I just broke up with my stupid gf."

"What every girl wants to hear!"

Anyway, you get the gist. He proceeded to tell me how he'd started talking to someone else around the time he met me and how I basically lost the competition to be his girlfriend. And did I want to hang out tonight...

LOL

When I stopped responding, he admitted he thought this conversation would go better. Though, I'm not sure why. Sir. I know the signs (because I wasn't born yesterday). I am no one's back burner bitch. 

If I could've laughed in his face, I would have. What an idiot. 

Some people may think my tactic of minimum effort is not exactly a success story since I'm still single, but that all depends on what your vision of success looks like. I personally would rather be happy by myself than miserable with someone else. And thanks to my reluctance to put a label on just anything, I know what it takes to actually feel happy. I will never rely on someone else for something so personal. If I let a guy into my life, it's because he complements me and makes me a better person. But if being with him makes me feel anything less than I was without him... BYE FELICIA!

And as far as losing the toss up in the girlfriend bet, I think I got the better end of that deal, to be honest. 

So, yeah, karma's a bitch. But sometimes, she's a bitch to someone else. 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

New Year, New…Meh...You Know the Drill

For the past few months, I've been doing some serious internal healing. Or at least starting to. Apparently it's a long process. I finally broke down and started seeing a therapist, and it has been the best decision I've made in a long time. Almost as good as that glitter wrapping paper choice was bad.  We've been working on everything from my childhood to my emotional shopping addiction. And get this… I've started meditating. Meditating! And I like it! Who the hell am I?!

I've learned some very valuable things in my journey so far. One of them being that moving to a new city is the emotional equivalent of a death in the family. So that explains a lot.

I'm also learning that it's okay to not know where I want to be in the next ten years. Or even the next ten months. This is great because I literally have no idea. I'm trying my best to live in the present, which seems like a great plan until your boss asks you where you want to be in the next five years… But that's another story.

This whole not knowing where I want to be in the future thing has been especially hard for me to swallow because up until I graduated from college, I've had a plan. My life has been set up for me for as long as I can remember. I was born, turned five, went to elementary school, then junior high, then high school, then college, then job. Well, I've done that. I've checked the boxes. The rest is up to me. The only thing I really know is where I don't want to be. I don't want to be with someone I'm not happy with, and I don't want to go back to Mississippi (though I miss my family dearly). That's two things. After 27 years of living, I know two things. And that scares the shit out of me. From the beginning, every thing was laid out into next-steps, and I had very little choice in the matter of where or what to do next. Now the choice is completely up to me, and that is terrifying. I still feel like I'm 15 in a 27 year old's body. I'm not equipped to make decisions like this!

So every now and then I have minor meltdowns. Usually centered around the recurring theme of why-does-being-an-adult-have-to-be-so-hard. The bad news is that something as small as my internet not working can set it off. The good news is they are getting fewer and farther between. I am approaching my one year mark in Charlotte, so, based on my experience moving to Nashville, this is pretty par for the course and the second year will be spent feeling more like I belong here.

I am going out and meeting new people. I've rekindled old friendships. Some as far back as my sorority days. I'm dating. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and eventually I know things will start to fall into place. It's the waiting that's the hard part. I've never been very patient.

Overall I am happy and in a much better place than I was a few months ago. I'm happy with my decision to move to Charlotte, I'm happy at work, and I'm happy with the people I've chosen to be in my life.