Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Let It Go

There is a certain personality I’ve run across while meeting new people, and I have since learned that, guy or girl, we will never get along well. It’s the overly sensitive person who can’t (or refuses to) admit it. They try to hide behind a tough exterior. This person tries hard to be sarcastic and to keep up with other sarcastic people but end up with their feelings hurt way too easily. This usually doesn’t bode well for them in certain social situations. Usually I am able to pick them out and avoid them, but a few months ago, I ran into one of these people in male form, and I couldn't escape.

When we matched on Tinder, his “brother-in-law” was the one who messaged me from the app. He said that they were camping together and that T had left his phone at the cabin while he went on an errand with bro-in-law’s wife (I’m guessing that would be T’s sister).

Anyway, he told me what a great guy T is and how he "deserves someone special" and blah, blah, blah. Cool bro. I didn’t see any reason not to continue talking to him, and when the “real” T messaged me, he seemed like a nice enough guy. Not super attractive, but sometimes personality makes up for that. So you never know, right??

We decided to meet at Fahrenheit for drinks later that week, and when the day rolled around, the weather was perfect, so I decided to walk there. It was super windy but felt amazing, and I almost let myself get excited about the date.

Now, before I go any further, let me explain something to you: Say what you will, but height matters. I am very tall for a girl, and, while most guys think they could be okay with a girl that is taller than they are, they aren’t. At least not the ones I am attracted to. The guys I tend to lean toward are usually on the douchier side of the spectrum (because at least they are honest about being an asshole and it doesn't come as quite so much of a shock when they act like assholes as it does when the self-proclaimed "nice guy" becomes one). So while it seems awesome on paper to go out with a girl that is taller than they are, it usually bothers them as much as it bothers me. So I always wear flats on a first date. Doesn’t matter how tall they say they are, I have a strong personality and want to come across with the least amount of intimidation as possible–and sometimes height doesn't even come up in conversation beforehand, so I don't always know what I am getting myself into.

Anyway, I got to Fahrenheit and he was waiting by the elevator (it’s a rooftop bar), and I immediately knew it was never going to work. He has to be 5’9” on a good day. On top of that, the first thing he said to me is, “Wow, you’re tall!” And all I can think is, “That is literally the first thing on my profile.” Clearly someone did his research. But I’ve done this a thousand times before, so I just grin and say, “Yeah!” and laugh awkwardly (while rolling my eyes and dying a little bit on the inside–here we go, again).

Then he goes on to say, “Guess I should’ve worn my tall shoes! I’m six feet, so how tall are you?!”

“Five eleven”

“That can’t be true. My doctor says I’m six feet.”

“Your doctor is lying to you. I’ve been 5’11” since the fifth grade.” Trust me. Bitches are mean when you are the tallest girl person in the fifth grade. I know exactly how tall I am.

So we kind of get past it, go sit down and get a drink, because I desperately needed one already. I f’ing hate arguing with people over height. It’s literally been the subject of my entire life. Can people please try to come up with something original?!

After a couple of drinks and pictures taken on the balcony (it was a nice view of the city), he wanted to get dinner. And at that point, he seemed like a really fun guy. He has a lot of interests, and I thought he’d be really cool to be friends with. Not to mention we hadn’t talked about height in almost an hour. Maybe we could get past it.

He suggested Basil, and since Basil is amazing, I was all for it. Although, looking back now, I should have ended it at drinks. Hind sight, amiright??

As we walked to Basil from Fahrenheit, he brought up the height issue again.

Damn it. I thought we had gotten past this.

At this point I realize he's in full-on denial about his height. I guess it's easy to convince girls that are 5'2" that you are 6 feet when you're actually not. So since I was tired of entertaining him, I started half-joking-but-not-really about his height. He did not like that at all.

“You make me feel so short!”

“Well, you're definitely not six feet tall...” 

“Ouch! Now I feel like I should bring out my paperwork from the doctor.”

“You might be 5’9” dude. Your doctor is lying to you.”

We continued to go back and forth for a couple more minutes, but I could tell he was actually getting his feelings hurt (join the club, buddy!!). So I tried hard to change the subject, and after a while, he finally let it go. He then told me he liked our back and forth and how we could both joke with one another. Oh man. I’m a terrible liar, so he was either in denial about his whole existence or was really just that bad at reading this painful situation.

T is a very nice guy, and I would have loved to have been friends with him. But if you continue to insist on being right about something that is just blatantly not true and get your feelings hurt when I call you out on it, you’re done for, dude. We will never make it. As friends or as anything else. 

So, if you’re taking notes, take this: You have to know when to let something die. If you're a sensitive person, own it and recognize that sometimes people just. Don't. Get. Along. And it's okay. The wonderful part of being an adult (other than eating dessert—or wine—for dinner) means you no longer need to waste your time and energy trying to force something that isn't there. I won't apologize for who I am and neither should you.

Also, your tall jokes aren't funny or original, and it gets really hard to laugh at them after a while. Even if I really like you.

Pro Tip: Think Smarter, Not Harder

I started talking to a guy on Tinder that we will call ‘A’. A is a personal trainer with two cats. We had a pretty good talk and seemed to have a lot in common. He drives a stick (thank you!) and, other than the fact that he has two cats, seemed like a really cool guy.

We discussed meeting in person. He gave me his number, and I texted him.

Then, like I do most randoms from Tinder who give me their numbers, I searched it on Facebook. I do this for two reasons: to see if you are who you say you are (e.g., in a relationship or not) and to try to find out if meeting you in person is going to be worth my time. Most people have a ton more pictures on Facebook than they do on Tinder, so it is easier to see what you look like currently. Too many guys put up pictures of themselves 40 pounds or 10 years ago, and I’ve fallen for it too many times. Don’t get me wrong, I like a guy with some meat on his bones, but don’t lie about what you look like. Most people like to know what they’re getting themselves into.

I’m also coming out of a situation where I was lied to on multiple occasions (and fell for it every time), and the internet has given me (and millions of other girls) a sort of preliminary defense mechanism against this. If you can’t take the 15 seconds to look something (or someone) up when the internet is literally at your fingertips, then you sort of deserve whatever is handed to you. (This also goes both ways, guys. If we can search you, you can search us too.)

Guys reading this, please know that, in the age of online dating and Craig's List Killers, searching you online is now the norm. Secret’s out. Get over it. So, if you have something to hide, it is probably best not to link your phone number to Facebook. I don’t care how private Facebook says it is. Do. Not. Do it. 

It took me all of five seconds to find out that A is in a relationship. At least on Facebook. So I gave him a nice Pro Tip about not linking his number to Facebook if he was going to be in a relationship. After a half-assed protest, he eventually disappeared. 


That’s fine, bro. I feel bad for his girlfriend but glad I dodged that very dramatic future bullet. The chick had a sleeve. He’s an asshole for trying to get me involved in that. I don’t have to be the other woman to know not to mess with chicks with that many tattoos.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

How To Lose A Girl In One Date

If you ever happen to find yourself wondering, "How do I get this chick to never want a second date with me?" Just tell me Game of Thrones "isn't that great." 

But before I tell this story, let me back up a little bit. I got back on Tinder, and, as expected, it has been quite entertaining. Everyone from Ryan Lochte (yes, I found him) to the 30 year old virgin (literally) has almost completely taken my mind off the fact that I lost both of my bunnies within a month of each other. Thank you, Tinder gods. 

But tonight, I went on a date with a guy who will, from now on, be known as the Nerdy Bob Saget for reasons I'll get into later. 

I should have known to cancel when he told me he still uses a flip phone but has an iPad because he's "not a complete asshole." But I'm trying this thing where I try to be open-minded. Something I later learned that he could stand to try himself on occasion. Not only does he use a flip phone, but he is also a full-time trivia announcer. Yes, you read that right. Five nights a week. Full-time. Trivia announcer. 

Honestly, I thought the line about not being a complete asshole was funny, and I think his job is kind of cool. Anyone who can make a living in the "entertainment" business has my full and complete attention. I lived in Nashville. I know how hard it can be. And for someone to be doing it full-time in Charlotte, well, you must be damn good at it, right?! So I went through with the date. 

I met him tonight after his "show," and I immediately knew it wasn't going to work. He looked like a much younger, much nerdier Bob Saget. Same wavy, brown hair, small mouth, pointy nose. Tall. They look very similar. 

However, the guy could carry a conversation, which was much less painful than the date I went on last night where we basically tried not to look at each other for two hours. But all this rambling is what eventually dug Bob into a hole he could not dig himself out of.

He talked about how most movies are basically trash (and how people even point out how he hates most movies, which he vehemently denies to their faces – he just has "something to say about them all"), how he hated the Mcadenville Lights at Christmas Time (I'm a sucker for some Christmas lights, sooo... Red flag) and how Game of Thrones was okay, but the last TV show he actually got into was Breaking Bad. Ehhh. I guess? If you can make it past the first season?? I wasn't able to sit through it, so I wouldn't know. But I'm also not running around criticizing everything else currently on TV, so who's the asshole, really? Oh, he also hates reality TV. So I left out the part where I just started watching Real Housewives of New York from the beginning... I also didn't feel it the right time to mention my Bachelorette viewing parties or the Fantasy League...

I don't know what kind of crack this guy was on, but he clearly missed the entire war between Jon Snow and Ramsay Bolton because that is legit one of the best fight scenes I have ever seen filmed. Literally. Better than any movie or TV show I've ever seen. (How the hell can you think GoT is just okay?? I can't even with this guy.)

I'm pretty sure the only thing I got out of this date is that he really likes the Panthers. His dad even took him to the SUPER BOWL last year, and he spent about five minutes telling me all the reasons he didn't want to go. The only one I can remember, because I was too busy contemplating how rude it would be to just stand up and walk out, being that he knew it would jinx them. If his dad spent all that money for them to go, the Panthers wouldn't win. Yeah, it was his fault the Panthers lost the Super Bowl... His brother actually had to talk him into going! ("Do it for dad, because it's literally the only thing he ever wants to do!" Or something like that.) What I would have given to be able to go to that Super Bowl (or any Super Bowl, really)...

So, needless to say, despite him trying to lock something in for Saturday night, I probably won't be getting back from the beach in time to make it to dinner. 

Sorry, Bob, but you spent the whole date trash-talking most things I enjoy. I'm sure you're a super nice dude (I think), but you're just not the one for me. 

Stay open-minded, folks. 

P.S. If you're a guy, learn how to drive stick. It's really hard to take you seriously when you don't know how.